A Thrill of Hope

I am currently sitting in my house in Chiang Rai, Thailand on Christmas Day, alone. This is a moment I have been dreading since March of this year, when God asked me to surrender my holiday plans for the foreseeable future and not return to California to visit my friends and family until He permits.

Christmas has been the exact same for 25 years of my life. My parents host the same Christmas party with the exact same people, with the exact same food. We go to church and get matching pajamas on Christmas Eve, we read the Christmas Story at dinner from the same Bible every year on Christmas day and we experience the same magic of being together year after year.

There have been many steps of grief accompanying my journey of moving to Thailand. I've missed weddings, babies being born, birthdays, and trips with friends. Despite the exposure therapy to missing these monumental events, I've been dreading missing a holiday that has always been the same.

As I anticipated this daunting change, I felt the loneliness grow deeper. There was a strong temptation to believe Satan's lie that I am alone, and the future desires of my heart cannot possibly coincide with God's plans of keeping me here long term. Despite my lack of faith, God decided to prove to me just how well he knows me, intricately and intimately.

On Thanksgiving, a friend of mine, Rachael, gave me a box of letters from all the women I've met the past 2 years living in Thailand. Each letter was covered in prayer, prophecy, and specific encouragement that I am not alone or abandoned. God knows I receive love in 2 specific ways, which is through gifts and words of affirmation. This act of love from my Thailand community fed both of these needs.

It has been a beautiful advent season, where Jesus continues to highlight that he came to suffer and how he is the empathy of God. When Jesus entered the world, he was placed in a feeding trough for animals, because one day He would become the bread that would feed us.

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” - Luke 2:10-12

Baby Jesus entered this world with a one track assignment to die for it. His destiny was suffering. His life was full of sacrifice. The more I sacrifice, the more I see Jesus' heart more fully. Christ came to satisfy us, to tend to our wounds, and to restore us to the Father.

He came to be walk with us in our suffering. He is Emmanuel, God with us.

Sometimes, I get so infuriated by the distractions of Christmas. The concept of Santa Clause, the excessive gift giving, shopping, and the excessive noise. However, in Christ's humility, I don't think he really minds it that much that we stray away. Because when the distractions fade and we finally sit with how we are feeling, where the silence creeps in and we may experience pain, loneliness, or yearning for something deeper that He comes and whispers to us, "I am with you." He longs to bring you peace in your mind's tornado.

O Come O Come, Emmanuel.

All this is to say that I am writing to you now on Christmas Night, not full of dread, loneliness or despair, but satisfied in the Lord who sees me and loves me. Unlike Santa, Jesus knew exactly what I wanted for Christmas. He didn't check if I have been naughty or nice or even if my faith was big enough to believe he knows me well enough. He stepped into my sin and my mess and gave me exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Himself. I am richly satisfied by the bread of life.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. - Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas Everyone, you are deeply loved.